


where your heart has its roots

by sundoesntshine (shinwoo)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-04-19
Packaged: 2018-01-19 23:58:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1488988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinwoo/pseuds/sundoesntshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Louis takes up his personal space, it's like he's stealing all air from Liam, making it hard to breathe and sometimes it feels like he's suffocating to death with Louis' fingers in his hair, lips ghosting over his — but it's almost as if he's forgotten the way to free his limbs from Louis' tight grip.</p><p>So he learns how to hold his breath instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	where your heart has its roots

**Author's Note:**

> massive thanks to j and p for reading through this!!!☆☆ all remaining mistakes are my own. (started 16/4, finished 19/4)
> 
> so yeah hi i have never written 1d before but liam/louis stole the last piece of my heart so i shoved all the other wips aside to write this (because i have break, yay) and it's such a miracle that i even finished it so. it's angst and it's a bit fluff i _guess_. all happy endings for the lilo though. 
> 
> ☆[tumblr](http://justbroos.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/justbroos)☆ (where i'd be more than pleased to make friends because i just joined this fandom and it's ~lonely~ yeah and please do talk to me about how much you want liam and louis to make out because i want that a lot.)

 

All Liam wants is to win.

  
That's why he's here, that's why he doesn't snap or break or lose it with the other four boys who just won't concentrate. They're nice enough, but too loud and they don't  _seem_  anywhere as serious as Liam is when it comes to this, and it's frustrating because when he looks at them, he sees his whole future in their hands. He only lets himself breathe when they're finally practicing instead of starting up a water fight in the X-Factor house that will end up in a disaster.  
  
"You act all serious," Louis says on the third night in the middle of a movie, when they're settled on the couch with Niall next to Louis and Harry and Zayn on the floor. One hand is curling around the back of Liam's neck, and Louis is so close he can almost feel his breath against his cheek. "But I watched the video diaries and I saw you, you know. At the back."  
  
The boys are too touchy and Liam's never liked touching.  
  
He wriggles out of Louis' touch, his eyes firm on the television screen. "Saw what?" he asks even when he knows. Knows the way his lips sometimes curl up into a smile even when he wants to yell at Louis for being so obnoxious.  
  
Louis doesn't say anything, instead sneaks an arm around Liam's waist and leans his head on his shoulder. Liam is quick to jump away like Louis is fire, and he doesn't meet the older boy's eyes when he nudges Zayn with his foot to ask him if he wants to switch places.

  
  
  
  
  
Liam learns very quickly that the hardest thing for Louis is to give up. In the beginning it'd been unusual, with his hands always  _somewhere_  on Liam's body, searching, up and down his back, lingering a bit too low on his waist, soft on his cheek, or tight around his shoulders. Louis does it with all of them but lets his hands stay a few seconds longer than necessary when it comes to Liam.  
  
On purpose, most probably, because Liam doesn't miss the smirk whenever he looks down to say, "Stop touching me."  
  
He never manages to make Louis stop, though. But if Louis' good at trying then Liam only takes this opportunity to discover more ways to escape.  
  
  
  


  
  
It's hard, though. Louis' grip is very strong even when he's so much smaller than Liam and there are only so many ways to escape. They live under the same roof, spends so much time together that it gets tiring once in a while, and Liam is still not allowed to just hit Louis round the head because they're bandmates. And he still wants to win.  
  
Eventually, he stills instead of calculating the fastest way to get away and Louis' grip softens slowly around his wrist.  
  
  
  


  
  
It takes some time, but Liam eventually figures out that physical contact and crashing into people's personal space until they step aside and make place for him, too, is something that Louis breathes, the same way Liam craves the stage and for them to win this.  
  
He figures it out because Louis smiles at him, teeth and all, as if he's the only one in the world. Louis does that sometimes, smiling genuinely instead of grinning wickedly, whenever Liam decides to stand completely still for once to just  _let_  Louis push and pull and prod at him all Louis wants, sliding in and out of Liam's space like it's his own.  
  
(But Louis never really  _leaves_ , is all. It seems like the first time he stepped over the line to grab at Liam's hands and intertwine their fingers although they were as good as strangers, was the day he decided to stay forever and let his roots grow here.  
  
Louis is so loud and all Liam's ever been is quiet.)  
  
He doesn't question it. Louis' afraid and nervous, and he needs something to ground him, and if touching people constantly and being loud is what anchors him, then Liam won't question it.  
  
What he can't seem to figure out is why it's him. It's strange, how Louis leans into Liam's side when he could fall into Niall's open arms; how he slips into Liam's bed when he knows Liam will only push him away while Harry would wrap his arms and legs around Louis to keep him warm.  
  
Liam's thinking so hard about  _why_  that he forgets to react when Louis corners him after vocal rehearsal and presses an open-mouthed kiss to Liam's lips.  
  
  


  
  
  
He doesn't mean to, but he gets used to a small palm flat on his stomach and having fingers searching after his to play with. Sometimes it's Harry's, on stage, when they're waiting for the result to know if they've made it again or if they're finally coming to an end, and sometimes it's Zayn's arms around him when they're watching a horror movie in the house. Not many times, it's Niall who just wants someone to hold him when he's overwhelmed by everything that's happening.  
  
Most times, though, it's Louis.  
  
At week six, Louis stops trying too hard, but only because Liam's feet are aching and he completely stops running from the way Louis likes to make them share a bed when he obviously has his own.  
  
(He doesn't tell Louis to stop pressing small kisses to his face when he thinks Liam's asleep, because he knows Louis loves thinking that he's right about everything).  
  


  
  
  
  
  
Liam finds that Louis' lips are actually dry and not soft like they look like, and he tastes like tea, _of course he does_ , when Louis eventually doesn't let them  _sleep_  at those nights he decides that his bed is too boring and crawls under the covers with Liam instead. Louis replaces brief kisses on the cheeks that are considered acceptable by now, with sucking lovebites on Liam's neck.  
  
"Stop touching me like this," Liam breathes, but Louis' hand is already pulling his shirt up to press cold hands against his sweaty skin. "I don't like the way you touch me."  
  
Louis' hands stills. "Do you mean it?"  
  
The question startles Liam and he blinks. "Yes?"  
  
It comes out weak and Louis hums something that might sound like a  _sorry_  but then he dives down to catch Liam's lips between his own and Liam is not surprised to feel a tongue trying to lick its way inside almost immediately. Louis' always been too impatient and Liam is nothing but patient, but he doesn't resist, opening his mouth for Louis when he asks.  
  


  
  
  
  
  
Then Louis reaches for his hand when they're walking off the stage and there are way too many people around for this so it is out of habit that Liam pulls back harshly. Louis looks at him like he's just gotten a new challenge to begin and Liam has discovered that it's  _never_  a good look. So he gives up, sighs, before he lets Louis grab his hand properly this time and bites down a wince when Louis squeezes too hard.

  
  
  
  
  
  
"I don't like you at all," Louis says much later when they're at the house and alone in the living room with a too long movie none of them are actually watching still on and everyone's asleep, most probably.  
  
It's almost three and Louis won't let Liam go.  
  
Liam doesn't respond to whatever Louis was saying, only manages to hiss quietly when Louis lets his teeth sink into the skin just beneath his collarbones where he knows it won't show and sucks a crimson flower there.  
  
He looks up later with light in his eyes that Liam can't figure out what it could possibly mean and gives Liam a quick press of wet licked lips against his cheek and grins.  
  
"I don't like you at all," he says again. Then he's ducking down to lick the sore spot he bruised, like an apology, but Liam knows he's not sorry. Louis says a lot of  _sorry_ s recently without ever meaning them. Liam can never say sorry without really meaning it.  
  
Somewhere in between, he decides that he's more terrified of than frustrated over Louis, and even more terrified of the way he's too tired at this rate to protest when Louis has his hands all over him, like Liam is  _his_ to claim.  
  
Or maybe he's just terrified of the ache growing in his stomach whenever Louis forgets him for one day and goes off to be with Harry instead, curled up next to Harry's side and empty eyes never meeting Liam's.  
  
It probably isn't that, though.  
  
  


  
  
  
(The only reason he opens up under Louis' lips whenever Louis leans up — slow and hesitant each time like he's afraid Liam will suddenly pull back — is because he hates the way Louis' eyes turn dark as if he's watching the whole world crumbling down in front of his eyes whenever Liam denies his touch.  
  
It's the same with the others anyway. He can't yell at Niall because Niall doesn't like making people angry, or tell Zayn to stop pressing wet kisses on his cheek because he knows Zayn gives and takes love this way, and he definitely can't admit to Harry that he thinks he needs to practice more on his vocals because he can't stand the guilt when Harry locks himself up in the bathroom afterwards.  
  
When Louis makes Liam open his mouth wide, only for him, with a drag of his tongue against Liam's lower lip, Liam thinks,  _it's the same anyway_.)  
  


  
  
  
  
Perhaps it's strange how he's fallen into a new habit where it feels weird to  _not_  be close to the boys or have them grab and pull at him at least thrice a day, but maybe it's understandable after all; they're all in this together, cheesy as it sounds, and they're the only ones who knows how he  _feels_  in this situation. Where their dream is just a few steps away but if something goes wrong they'll be going nowhere but down.  
  
But he's long let go of the thought that they'll screw everything up for him — maybe it doesn't matter anymore. Recently it feels like his whole world lights up whenever he hears them laugh and he can't even bring out the side of him from a few weeks ago that would've wanted to shout at them to be more serious.  
  
But when the eighth week rolls in and he starts missing home and the smell of his own sheets because the exhaustion is too strong and his voice is hoarse from all the vocal rehearsals and he's a nervous wreck from the results — he doesn't let any of them touch him. The boys are kind of like best mates now and Liam's never had friends this close, but he misses  _home._  
  
  
  


  
  
  
Liam tears himself away from Harry's side, and doesn't let Zayn kiss his forehead to comfort, and stumbles out of Niall's arms.  
  
It's strange, but for once Louis is the only one who doesn't reach for him. He looks at Liam, though, looks with eyes deep like the sea and there are so many things Liam hasn't been able to figure out yet no matter how deep he tries to dive, and he just doesn't  _understand_  Louis.  
  
Except, he spends nights trailing kisses down every part of Louis' body and he's learned the shapes of Louis' lips already, memorised all the little sounds he makes when he takes Liam's cock in his mouth or the way he says Liam's name when he pushes inside Louis.  
  
After a phone call with his mum, he refuses to cry even when his eyes sting. He ignores the cornered looks when he grabs Louis' hand later, after rejecting all kinds of contact with the other guys, and laces their fingers together. Maybe it's exhaustion, it must be, because all it takes is Louis' thumb rubbing gently against Liam's, to make him feel calmer.  
  


  
  
  
  
  
When Louis takes up his personal space, it's like he's stealing all air from Liam, making it hard to breathe and sometimes it feels like he's suffocating to death with Louis' fingers in his hair, lips ghosting over his — but it's almost as if he's forgotten the way to free his limbs from Louis' tight grip.  
  
So he learns how to hold his breath instead.  
  
  
  
  


  
  
"What is this?"  
  
It's not like he expects Louis to answer, because his eyes and hands are elsewhere now, on Liam's chest, and his stare is so intense it makes Liam want to curl into a ball and hide himself because he's never been this exposed. He's been naked in front of girls and a few boys before but it wasn't like this; Louis looking at him like he's trying to find a way to unravel Liam and see what his insides look like.  
  
Louis drags fingers along Liam's ribcage, pressing down so hard that it'll surely bruise, when he takes Liam's cock in whole.  
  
It amazes Liam a little, how suddenly he's the loud one, a fist in his mouth preventing the moans to roll out of his tongue while Louis is too quiet to be  _him_. He glances up to Liam through his eyelashes and something aches when Liam meets his eyes and Louis looks beautiful, so undeniable gorgeous, but he also looks like someone who's prepared for anything that would happen right this moment, even when Liam is so lost in Louis' touch that he can't even remember a single word but  _Louis, Louis, Louis_.  
  
"What is this?" He repeats his question when they're finished and Louis' naked and pressed up against his side, face resting on Liam's chest and their come sticky and slowly drying between them.  _Why do you touch me like you want to never let go? Why me?_  Then he pauses those thoughts to ask himself,  _why am I not stopping you?_  
  
Louis hums. "I don't know." Liam runs a clean hand through his hair and waits for more. It comes, eventually, and Louis' voice is tiny and Liam doesn't think it really belongs to him. "It is what you want it to be." He props up on his elbows and Liam refuses to meet him in the eyes. It reminds him too much of a while ago. The aching won't stop. Why does it ache anyway? "What is this, then, Payne? You answer me."  
  
And he does. Not with words, though, because he knows Louis doesn't like words anyway.  
  
He realises that this might be the first time he's the one going down for the kiss and not  _Louis_  leaning up to ask for it when Louis' eyes widens, maybe of surprise, maybe of fear, Liam isn't sure. But then Louis sucks in a lungful of air before he kisses back. His fingers curls around Liam's bicep as if he's afraid Liam will run again, and God, Louis keeps leaving  _bruises_  all over his body.  
  
He tries to tell Louis that he doesn't really know  _anything_ , and that he doesn't know why he's staying instead of fleeing, by placing brief kisses on the corners of Louis' lips, urging him to let Liam taste more.

  
  
  
  
  
The first time Louis says it, Liam is too caught up in trying to register the words to respond. Then he takes too long and it's too late to say anything back without it sounding insincere, so he just lets Louis fall asleep next to him, dropping kisses on his forehead as the three words thumps in his head.  
  
Louis says, "I love you," for the second time before Liam pushes inside of him, and this time Liam's too focused on trying to record the quiet moans that Louis makes, because they sound like nothing Liam's heard before and somehow he'd like to remember them. So he doesn't have a chance to answer again.  
  
The third time, Louis catches him off guard, like always."I love you, Liam," he whispers, for only them to hear, before they go on stage and Liam feels the three words getting stuck in his throat later when they're finished performing, and Louis looks at him as though he hadn't expected anything in return anyway.  
  
Louis stops saying it and Liam assumes that Louis already  _knows_  because Louis talks through touching, right? And Liam knows he touches Louis like he touches no one else.  
  
  


  
  
  
There are moments Louis will go too far when there are people around, and Liam won't let him. Louis apparently hasn't learned how to stop when he's told no, though, and lets his hand slip under Liam's shirt to press a palm against his skin, fingers digging in painfully. Liam doesn't look at him when he moves to the other side of the room and stays there for the rest of practice.  
  
Later, Liam corners him in the bathroom and presses him up against the wall, asking  _was this what you wanted?_  as he sucks on Louis' lower lip.  
  
And even when Louis smiles, genuine and wide, Liam can't ignore the darkening look in Louis' eyes that has become so familiar now it almost hurts. Just almost.  
  
Liam licks inside Louis' mouth instead of asking,  _what are you so prepared for?_  
  
  
  


  
  
"I like touching," Louis says.  
  
They're not touching right now, though, and Louis is sitting at the other end of the couch, hands in his lap and eyes everywhere but on Liam's. They're the only ones here right now and Liam is a too busy being terrified of how cold Louis' voice is to wonder where everyone else has gone to.  
  
Louis breathes in. "I communicate through touching, you know." Then, slowly, he turns to look at Liam. "But sometimes words are what assures me of stuff. Like, I need a guarantee, I need to  _hear_  things. To not just assume through touching. And Liam, you've always been a better talker than I am no matter how loud you think I am, yeah?"  
  
He stands up and walks out of the room and Liam still has no idea what Louis means. He thinks he's drowning when he has to sink his nails into his palms to stop himself from pulling Louis back. He thinks Louis' plan all along was to make his eyes look like a fucking sea so that Liam would dive in, in hope of figuring him out, and that he's planning to fill Liam's lung with water, not letting him out.  
  
But then again his plan wouldn't have worked if Liam hadn't decided to stop running in the first place. Liam isn't even sure why he wants Louis to spill secrets in between kisses. Isn't sure why there are kisses in the first place, but he's sure that he detests the aching in his chest when Louis isn't in his space.  
  
  


  
  
  
"You've changed," Harry points out during breakfast. "Like, maybe in a good way, I don't know."  
  
Liam licks his upper lip and stays silent for a while. "How?"  
  
"I dunno, mate." Harry's laughing a bit now, shaking his head. "Like, you don't look like you want to murder us or expecting us to murder  _you_  every time someone touches you. I reckon Louis managed to loosen you up a bit. S'nice. You must like him a lot to have let him."  
  
"I don't—"  
  
He doesn't finish the sentence and Harry doesn't push.  
  


  
  
  
  
There are worse feelings than the aching, he finds out, every time he looks over to Louis and sees sadness even when he's laughing with the others about something.  
  
"You're impossible to understand," he hisses when Louis crawls up next to him on the bed later that night but still won't touch him, hasn't touched him in forever it seems like, but really, it's been two days only. "What do you want me to say?"  
  
He sounds angry now, but it doesn't matter because Louis is still not close enough, too far away.  
  
"You are in my space now, you have always been, ever since day one because you just wouldn't give up and I gave in. Congratulations, you've won, so what now?" He swallows, and looks at Louis. There's the sadness again and the ache in his chest is spreading, stretching out to his toes and fingertips. "What is it that I haven't given yet? What do you  _want_?"  
  
It takes so long that Liam is almost certain that Louis hadn't heard a thing or something, but then Louis is leaning down, a hand on Liam's chest, and lips only inches away. Liam feels like he'll break under Louis' touch but also like Louis is holding him up.  
  
Then Louis says, "You."

  
  
  
  
  
"Stop touching me."  
  
It's clearly a joke, as Louis' lips are curled up into a smile even when he jerks Liam's hand away. But something stings when the words echoes and Liam remembers having said the same thing once before. Or many times before, in many different ways, and Louis had— he hadn't stopped.  
  
He looks at Louis, and grabs at his hand again, because he's actually a lot stronger and he doesn't say anything but Louis eventually stops struggling but he doesn't go any closer.  
  
  
  


  
  
They don't win, after all and they all cry later when there are no cameras around. They're huddled up in one of the bedrooms, hands around each other and Liam lets himself break down in front of them because they're  _them_. They understand what it means to him and he's discovered over these weeks that it means just as much to them.  
  
"We'll be fine," Zayn says and somehow, Liam believes him and he's sure they all do.

  
  
  
  
  
Later, Liam leads Louis to his room and makes them share a bed again. Tomorrow they'll head home, and Liam can't imagine sleeping without getting his limbs all tangled with Louis'.  
  
He still hasn't said the right thing, the thing that Louis wants him to say, but Louis holds him anyway and he clings back like he's so used to breathe in water that air makes him feel suffocated. He doesn't want to untangle his limbs from Louis'. He just wants to stay this way forever but first, he needs to open his mouth and talk.  
  
"I feel like I've won anyway," he says, then he presses a hard kiss to Louis' lips, obviously surprising him. He doesn't kiss back but Liam hadn't expected him to.  
  
"Won what?" he asks, and Liam bites down on Louis' lower lip, drawing a soft moan out of it.  
  
"The whole thing. I dunno." He pauses and pulls away to look at Louis' eyes. Still sad, still so sad. He puts his palm against Louis' cheek and it takes a while but Louis relaxes eventually. Liam leans back in to place kisses all over Louis' face and this time, when his inside aches, it's a good kind of ache. He whispers, "Kiss me back, Louis. Will you do that?"  
  
Louis laughs quietly, and clutches at Liam's shirt. Liam might be imagining it but Louis' eyes are shiny, glistening in the dark. "I can't believe this," he says.  
  
"Believe what?"  
  
"You know I always want to kiss back, yeah? I don't think there will be a day I won't want to. But it took so long, Liam, it took such a long time to get you to even  _touch_  me—"  
  
"But I did, I gave in, Louis, you're impossible to resist," he whispers, nipping on Louis' jaw now. "It just took some time because I was, I was scared."  
  
"You absolutely hated us," Louis breathes, hand on Liam's shoulder now and his nail digs in when Liam goes for his neck instead, sucking and licking where he knows Louis is sensitive. "Hated me the most. You probably still do."  
  
"No, I didn't. And I don't, Louis, I  _don't_." He kisses the bruise better, and glances up. "I was… overwhelmed in the beginning, only." Louis whimpers, and Liam shifts so that he's got Louis pinned down, his legs on each side of Louis' hips.  
  
"I wanted you all along, though, that's unfair," Louis says and maybe it's supposed to sound like a joke but Liam sees the way he licks his lips nervously, eyes set firmly on Liam's.  
  
Liam thinks his heart might burst, but he doesn't say it. He wants to kiss that look on Louis' face away but he knows, for once, that what Louis is asking for isn't touching. So he leans down, and stops right before their lips meet, and places both hands on Louis' chest gently.  
  
"You could stop wanting me right now and I'll still always want you," he says it slowly, hoping that Louis will hear how much he means it, and his own words sink in and he realises how true that is.  
  
"Yeah?" Louis' trembling as he laces their fingers together while Liam moves up to kiss the tears away. "Why is that?"  
  
And when Liam finally says the three words out loud while tracing kisses down Louis' ribcage, Louis blooms beautifully beneath his touch.


End file.
